A very jazzy but more or less meaningless title graphic rolls for EPSN's "Carnage Preview With Lunk Murtaugh." The camera pans out over a very overdone studio set, with every wall literally plastered with unidentifiable sports memorabilia. At the center is seated a beefy fellow whose hair is probably fake and has the overall look of a gone-to-seed jock with a metrosexual makeover. For no obvious reason, a small wire antenna sticks up from behind his left ear. Next to him is a scowling dwarf in a business suit.
[Lunk] Hey there, bloodshed-I mean sports fans, I'm Lunk Murtaugh and this is "Carnage Preview". Every week we bring you the best of the best of sports violence to come, and this week we bring you an exclusive interview with Lognar Tightfist, owner of the Picksburg Steel Lords. Welcome to the show, Lognar!
[Lognar] ::grunt::
[Lunk] Today we'd like to talk about the upcoming Soup or Bowl tournament, between the Steel Lords and your long-standing rivals, the Skrattul See-Chucks. Are you looking forward to the big game? I know we are!
[Lognar] ::scowls and pulls out a small book, reading from it. A close-up shot reveals it to be "Arfang's Guide to Trash-Talking":: Let me clear it up for you. The See-Chucks are not our rivals. Rivalry implies that they are somewhere near our level of skill. They are not. Frankly, the only thing those orc dogs have going for them is that their heads are too empty to know when to quit.
[Lunk] ::blinks two or three times:: My, that's a strong statement. But isn't it true that the See-Chucks have had a better record so far in the season? Let's take a look at the numbers.
::a graphic flashes up on the screen of the two teams' stats::
Steel Lords ----------------- See-Chucks
vs. Ferret Kings - 1-3 Loss ----- vs. Kizuna Lions - 2-3 Loss
vs. Exquisite Dead Guys - 1-4 Loss ----- vs. Freyasheim Man Maulers - 2-3 Loss
vs. Black Hammers - 3-0 Win ----- vs. Oogie-Wa Wagga-Woos - 2-0 Win
[Lunk] Your win-loss ratios are exactly the same, but the See-Chucks have actually scored more touchdowns in the season so far and permitted fewer touchdowns against them. Which suggests that the See-Chucks are actually the better team here.
[Lognar] ::snort:: Let me tell you something about that last win of theirs, Lunk. The Oogie-Wa Wagga-Woos are probably the only team in the league that those jokers could beat. They're goblins, for Thor's sake, a pack of children with spitwads could take the Wagga-Woos. Let's see the See-Chucks take a real team like the Black Hammers or the Rowan Sharpshooters, then we'll talk.
[Lunk] ::cocks his head as if listening for something:: Well as we both know, your teams are scheduled to meet in the Soup or Bowl no matter what happens in the season - which, I might add, is not quite over yet. You both still have one game to play, correct?
[Lognar] That is true. I got a call from the league commissioner just today, we're scheduled to play the Vargalheld Vipers the day after tomorrow.
[Lunk] And how do you think that game will go?
[Lognar] It'll be quite the battle. The Vipers aren't the Breton Champions by any means, but they're still a tough bunch. Chaos teams always are. My boys are really looking forward to it. We'll bury their severed body parts under the playing field, of course, but it'll be a good match.
[Lunk] We'll be looking forward to it too, Lognar. In the meantime, what would you say is the Steel Lords' greatest strength?
[Lognar] Endurance. Sheer steel-plated endurance. You can hit a Steel Lord. You can chase him. You can throw everything you have against him. You cannot stop him. Even if you knock him down, he'll get right back up and walk over your body to the endzone.
[Lunk] That certainly sounds impressive. So tell me a little bit about these steel-plated wonders, Lognar. Is it true that your team captain is the prince of a major dwarven clanhold?
[Lognar] Yes. Jorgan of Iron Peak is the son of Foron the son of Goran the son of Orinor the son of Jorgan, which someday will make him the King of Iron Peak. But for now, he's building his warrior's reputation as the leader of the Steel Lords.
[Lunk] And how about the Granitecracker brothers?
[Lognar] They're cousins, actually. Durran and Morran are the focal points of our offensive line. They're tough, brave, and will take down anything standing in their path. The coach tells me that they've sent a letter to the See-chucks asking them to sign an ogre before the Bowl, so that they can kill it.
[Lunk] ::laugh:: Apparently no one told them that the See-Chucks can't read.
[Lognar] ::consults his trash-talk manual again:: They'll get the message when the Granitecrackers tear their defensive line to squishy green bits.
[Lunk] Well we're almost out of time, Lognar, it's been great having you with us. We wish you all the best luck in your game against the Vipers, and in the Soup or Bowl.
[Lognar] Hmph. Luck is for sissies and rooty-poo fronting bammers. ::finally puts the book away::
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