Stout-Hearted 'Meh'

Well, the blog has escaped the guillotine, mainly because I can't rustle up enough emotional energy to want it gone. Emotional energy seems to be a real scarcity these days, I can't build up enough of it to really do much of anything. I have my job, and I do it well (at least I'm not hearing any complaints), and I thoroughly enjoyed the opening week of the Farmer's Market on Saturday, but aside from that I have all the ambition of a garden slug. When Thom came to visit, I got him interested in putting together a PBEM strategy/empire-building game with me, and since then I've done little but mentally poke at it every now and then. Even the poking doesn't accomplish much. It's hard to be mad at myself about it, though, that requires emotional energy. So instead I feel like a loser. No, this is not a plea for "it's okay, it's not that important, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera" ::King of Siam voice:: I know I'm hard on myself, and I know that putzing around on this game is not the end of the world, but I miss the person I used to be. Once there was a time when I could focus on something and get it done. These days... ::shrug::

I'm planning on having a long talk with my counselor about it tomorrow, I hope he can shed some insight on it, and maybe even direct me toward a way out of this lousy place I'm stuck in. The coffee shop's having its grand opening tomorrow, and that should keep me busy tomorrow. I'm baking some of my Ogre's Den cookies for the boss, since the main cook is busy with everything else. If she likes them, perhaps we'll work out a regular deal.

The Farmer's Market's gonna be my main source of egoboost for a while, though. Work is work, and I'm trying not to invest my self-worth in it since my own insane personal standards would drive me into a tizzy - which is not good for keeping jobs. The new Market location has its bad points, like freight trains that rumble by, but there's a lot of good too. The biggest change is that we now have space! There's two or three times the amount of possible booth space this year, and that much and more parking. I can't see one end of the market from the other now, which is pretty darn cool. The season opener went fantasticly, with a free pancake feed that brought in people by the truckload and a Dixieland band that's always great at putting me in a good mood. Let's face it, "Tiger Rag" is nearly impossible to remain depressed through. Anyway, the market has twice as many vendors this year, and the place stayed packed pretty much the whole morning through. All the food booths, including mine, sold out and it looks like everyone else had a great day too. I really hope we can hang on to this level of interest from the community, that could really make my summer.

Even without the monetary gains, it felt good to be somewhere where I was known for something I wanted to be. I'm the Cookie Ogre, and a very fine Cookie Ogre I am, too. Kids actually dragged their parents all around the market looking for me. My Ogre Laugh brought smiles to people of all emotional ages. My cookies are very yummy. This is a reputation I've built for myself, and whether I feel like hell the rest of the time or not, I have every right to feel proud of this.

Now if only I can get to where I actually DO feel proud of it...